To Home and Back
by butterdoveluv
Summary: Judy reflects on her love, life and marriage while also taking into account the recent changes in her daughter's life.


"Moma!"

The sound of Judy's oldest daughter's voice echoes throughout their kitchen. It's a little after three and Samuel has obviously returned with their seven year old.

Sure enough Lacey's fluffy crown whips around the corner and into the kitchen. She grabs a carrot off the table and smiles sheepishly at her mother's reproachful look. The girl knew how much Judy hated when people would pick off the table. It was an annoying habit Lacey picked up from Samuel.

Judy sweeps the rest of the chopped vegetables into the stew pot and rinses her hands off. She turns to her nine year old before replying "Hey baby. How was school ?"

This was routine for Lacey and Judy. Samuel would grab Lacey during his lunch break and deliver her to Judy who for the next few months would be working from home. Lacey would go through her day with her mother before running upstairs to relate the exact same story to her little sister, Clara.

Lacey swallowed the cup of orange juice Judy prepared for her in minuets before she arrived and started her story with the biggest smile she had ever donned in her short life.

Lacey was in love. Well, as in love as any seven year old girl could be.

His name was Danny Desai and he was one of her best friend at Green Grove elementary. He had dark brown hair and light brown skin. He was as tall as Lacey, but he was missing a tooth on the lower left side. Apparently he was a little too loud and a bit dirty, but to Lacey he was the best person in the whole wide world.

Years later Judy is still keeping her little girl's secret. She can't help but laugh to herself as she watches her ten year old get ready for Fall Fest. Judy is noticing a subtle change in her daughter's demeanor. She tugs at her clothes now and fidgets around as if she's no longer comfortable in her body.

Just the other day she was pulling pictures from her mother's magazines and complaining, very loudly, about the lack of curves on her own prepubescent figure.

"_There is nothing wrong with the way you look. You are my child, you look like me. I don't make ugly children"._

_Lacey snorts her displeasure and picks up another magazine, this one has a sparsely dressed Halle Berry on it and Lacey traces the woman's picture before turning back to her moma, the frustration clear in her eyes. "When will I have boobs like this?"_

_Judy throws back her head and laughs loudly. " Oh honey, when moma gets boobs like that she will let you know just when to expect yours!" _

Lacey looks so pretty tonight. When they went shopping for a Fall Fest outfit she made sure to point out that she wanted things to be different this time around. She didn't want to go in just any old top and skirt. She wanted to wear a real dress and get her makeup and hair done.

Lacey chose a gorgeous little dress. It was a dark navy blue with a glittery crème lace bodice. It had a high low skirt that fell a little above her knees at the front.

The preteen had begged her mother to allow her the matching crème high heels but for one, Judy just wasn't ready. God knew it and so did she. Two, Lacey was a mess in high heels. Instead the two of them came to agreement on a pair of crème strappy sandals. It was all very much so age appropriate, but Judy could see just how different this dress was.

It hinted and the small changes in her little girl's appearance. It was disconcerting and exciting at the same time.

Her baby girl was most certainly no baby, and she would only be little for just a while longer. Sooner than later, Lacey would be graduating from middle school and taking her driving test. Sneaking out of the house, and if she was anything like a young Judy Porter nee Barduex she would be sneaking in just as much. Most likely accompanied by some boy or pack of giggling teenage girls.

Maybe she should hear Samuel out about upping the security on the house. A nice set of bars on the windows might not be such a bad idea. Hell, she could dress them up nicely !

Judy's pulled from her thoughts when she heard her daughter let out a long breath. Judy already knew what was coming. Lacey was becoming good for this. Long drawn out sighs accompanied by lots of complaining about stuff that usually never mattered.

She picks up a bobby pin and secures a stray piece of hair on Lacey's head before questioning the young woman. "What's wrong baby? You have your dress, your hair is beautiful and this eye shadow honey. You look flawless".

Lacey pulls on her lower lip and Judy could tell from the way her eyes dropped that something was really bothering her.

"Moma, have you ever felt like it's never enough? Like no matter what you do, what you wear or…how you feel..its just not enough".

Judy gently pulled her daughters head back so she could peer into her almond shaped brown eyes. "Yes baby. I have felt like that one too many time to count but that's life. Plain and simple, life is a job baby. It's got a fair amount of work, now.."

Before Judy can continue her lecture, Lacey's phone goes off killing the conversation for the rest of the night.

It's been nearly six months since Danny Desai's return to Green Grove, and life in the Porter house hold has been a whirl wind since.

Judy cant ignore the slight sting of shame she feels when she thinks about just how far her own problems removed her from her daughter's life.

Lacey had broken up with Archie, got with Danny, broke up with Danny, got back with Danny and broken up with him again all in a matter of weeks. Yet up until a few weeks ago, Judy had no clue her daughter was on speaking terms with the Desai boy.

There was just so much she wanted to run away from. Whenever she got the opportunity to get the hell out of Green Grove she took it. The town was filled with too much hurt. The same house where she raised her two daughters along side a loving husband, was the same house said husband came out of the closet in.

The courtship and marriage of Judy and Samuel spanned over two decades, yet not once did she ever question her husbands sexuality. Not once.

She felt shamed. Like less of a woman. A fake Barduex woman. Barduex women were known for being beautiful, the most desired women in the community. Judy's own aunt was the first black woman at her school to be voted homecoming and prom Queen by her black and white peers. Men flocked to them, and people in general were envious of their poise and enchanting demeanor.

How was she supposed to feel coming from all that, and knowing her husband found her undesirable? That he recoiled from her touch? That she simply wasn't enough to keep him happy. That the sacrifices she made for him and the two beautiful children she gave him weren't enough? Judy had wanted so much in life, and so much of it she gave up on because she wanted to make Samuel her love, happy.

Samuel wants to get married before finishing college? Fine. Judy's parents are furious but she loved that boy with every fiber in her being.

Samuel wants to integrate himself into an "elite class" in hopes of becoming a high paid public official. He pushes her into agreeing to some ridiculous plan that will shape her into his perfect beautiful black wife. Fit for any president. All of these new responsibilities mean less time for her own dreams and aspirations. Samuel doesn't dare ask, but she takes a lighter school load.

She never finished after he's graduated. They need to move from Georgia to New York. Transferring is too messy. It's fine, no big deal. As much as she's always wanted to be a journalist, she dreamed about giving Samuel a house filled with kids.

Clara has just been blessed to their family and Samuel has finally come to terms with having a second child. Judy grows older and ignores the pain she feels whenever she thinks about a large house filled with a loving husband, and four maybe even five kids running in and out of the front door. Marriage wasn't about the number of kids they could give each other. It was about putting the love they held for each other first.

Even after a bloody divorce, it was still about her love for Samuel. He was a good man, a wonderful father. Sometimes love just wasn't enough.

But now? Now things were different. Now all of those sacrifices seemed mute, because nothing was ever going to be enough to keep Samuel happy. At least, nothing she herself could give him.

How dare she be angry over never having more children, when that poor man had to situate himself in order to conceive two children with her. Poor Samuel Porter who had to pretend he desired a Barduex woman.

She was so embarrassed.

Then to have to add irresponsible absentee mother on top of undesirable wife? God help her.

"Mom?"

Judy's head snapped up, and she smiled at her oldest daughter. Lacey looked so innocent at that moment. Her hair plated and her pink fuzzy robe wrapped around her light frame. Just like the women before her, Lacey truly was a beautiful girl. Perfect skin, hair and frame.

"Yes baby? It's late you should be in bed. Its Saturday but you should still be in bed before 3 am. It's not healthy to be up so late."

Lacey raises one delicate eyebrow before pointing at Judy's half filled wine glass and newspaper.

Judy smiles before replying "Im the moma. Do as I say, not as I do".

It was an age old saying that Judy's parents and grandparents used to throw at her. She herself said it whenever Clara or Lacey questioned their mother's behavior in relation to what she expected of them.

Lacey takes the chair adjacent to her mother before placing her head on her folded knees. " I still can't believe it wasn't enough. After all these years and how I couldn't let him go. And the way we just clicked into place when he got out…All of that and I wasn't enough to compete with Jo Marie Masterson."

Judy had to admit she was shocked by her daughter revelation. Danny had broken up with Lacey for Jo? Not only did the insight shock her, but her daughters willingness to share this information was also surprising.

" I guess I always knew it would end up this way. Even when we were kids, he wouldn't let me say a bad word against her. She was this perfect princess. Always needing to be reassured and protected. 'You can't do that, Jo might cry. Don't talk to those girls, they laughed at Jo's media project. Don't you feel just a little bad keeping this from Jo?' Gotdamn, I bet Jo never had to hear Danny go on and on about me."

Judy was honestly surprised to hear Lacey and Danny's relationship ended that way. She always knew Danny and Jo were closer, but it looked like two siblings, which if you ignore blood Danny and Jo were pretty much raised as brother and sister. Pictures of the two in pampers at one time filled both the Desai and Masterson homes. Their parents were so close that they pretty much filled the play aunt and uncle roles with ease. She honestly never imagined those two would go there.

Now Danny and Lacey on the other hand? There was a betting pool among not just the Porters and the Desai family, but even the Mastersons were trying to guess how long it would take before Danny and Lacey became boyfriend and girlfriend.

Hell, Danny nearly ruined Lacey's last birthday before he left because he was angry over seeing another boy share a birthday dance with her. It was some one hit wonder 13 year old who Samuel got to sing happy birthday to Lacey. When the older boy reached down and pecked Lacey's cheek, Danny ran in like a baby bull and gave the boy a fat lip and a black eye.

To be fair the boy gave as much as he got. Danny ended up getting his nose broken, along with a bunch of bruises all over his body.

Lacey had been so hurt she locked herself in her room and cried for a week. Judy wanted to run upstairs and comfort her. Let her know that Danny needed to work on controlling his feelings for her, but she decided against it. After all, Love was so much more fun when you figured it out on your own.

"Lacey honey, you are too young and too damn pretty to be bitter."

"Really mom? Because you're not at all bitter over daddy?"

Judy cant help but smirk at this. Her teenage daughter was trying to have a conversation she was too young to speak on.

"That's different. You're playing young beautiful intelligent woman to my old raggedy spinster."

"Theres nothing old and raggedy about you mom. Only a bougey woman would have the nerve to step out of 300 dollar shoes and complain about being raggedy."

Judy's shoes were worth a lot of money, but Judy hadn't felt like a million bucks in a very long time. Part of her was envious of her child's freedom. Lacey was so smart and so beautiful. Opportunities for her were already much better than Judy had ever had. Surely she would be intelligent enough to slow down on commitments. Think twice before jumping in and really acknowledge all the world had to offer before making her mind about a career profession or a boy to marry.

"Thank you baby" Judy says as she grabs her little girls hand between both of hers. "Do you want to talk about Danny and Jo ?"

Lacey recoils slightly and Judy prepares to be turned down. She and Lacey haven't had a very open relationship since her marriage to Samuel started to go down hill. She had always made sure to ensure her children that adult problems had nothing to do with them, but she always figured Lacey felt like her therapy bill caused a huge rift between her parents. It was an extra expense, but it hardly caused them much trouble. More than anything both Samuel and Judy just wanted their little girl back.

" I dunno mom. He and Jo have been through so much together and I guess he feels like I just wont understand. Not that he ever gave me much of a chance to, but it is what it is. I've loved him for so long mom. Everything I worked so hard for when he left is gone, but that was ok because I still had him. I was happy. Now what? Do I sit around and help him win Jo over or something like that?"

" Jo and Danny are like siblings. I don't care what he's feeling or whatever, but I know what I saw back then. Wires can get mixed up, but I just can't see it. Might not mean much from a self-implied beard but-"

"Mom stop. Please. Dad loved you very much. He wouldn't use you, me and Clara as some ploy to cover up his sexuality. He's not that kind of person. Not to say I get this, or that he wasn't gay when you guys were married but I don't think he was using us. Who knows, maybe that's why things went sour when they did. In addition to other things, maybe he was starting to realize he wasn't being honest anymore. Maybe he's like Danny"

"Nope Lacey. If I can't assume what's going through Danny's head, then you can't assume what was running through your fathers".

Lacey smiled before replying " Fine. Let's just say they care about us, but men can be assholes who don't know how to communicate what their feeling to the people around them."

"Moma's down with that!" Judy laughed her reply before stretching back in her chair. It felt nice to laugh with Lacey again. It had been far too long since mother and daughter could find something to laugh about together.

"You know what Lacey, I still love your father. I think im gonna die loving your father, but is nice to not be in love with him anymore."

Lacey's eye dropped and Judy knew she said the wrong thing.

"..but moma, Im still in love with Danny Desai".

Judy stood before pulling Lacey to her feet. " I know you are baby, but give it time. Things might go in another direction."

"So are you saying I should just wait? Give it time and maybe he'll wake up or whatever?"

Judy's heart ached for her teenager. Part of her wondered if it was fair to write off Lacey's desperation as clinging to her childhood fantasy of being with Danny. Afterall, she had been 16 and in love once too. It was just as real then as it was years later. Still, Danny had only been back for some months and the two of them were already broken up for the second time. Then there's Danny coming in between the two girls. Maybe it was better if Lacey tried to nip this in the bud now? There was no hope for reconciliation if Danny was going to bounce back and forth between Lacey and Jo.

" Lacey that's something you have to figure out for yourself. I will say this though, you and Danny Desai are far from over. I just know it . I know this thing between the two of you dates back to our first year in Green Grove and I know full well it hasn't run its course. Still, live your life. Danny will be there when the time is right."

"What if he's with someone else? What if I'm with someone else?"

Judy squeezed her baby close to her chest and kissed her cheek. " Baby the right time, isn't always ideal. I think you, Danny and Archie learned that the hard way."

Judy cant remember the last time she felt tension leave her body. She had become so accustomed to running into road blocks at ever turn, that finally making a breakthrough felt amazing, no matter that she and Lacey both were still struggling with the changes in their lives.

Even so, thank God for small steps.

Judy's small moment was interrupted by Lacey's long drawn out sigh.

"What's wrong? You want to talk a bit more before bed?" Judy asked as she rubbed Lacey's back.

"Uhmmmmmm. There's this guy. I mean, I can't imagine feeling the way I feel about Danny with the new guy, but I could see something happening there."

"Go for it Lacey. You don't have to wait for Danny to see you. Live your life."

"So the whole Cole being Danny's best friend on the soccer team thing shouldn't stop me, right?"

This time it was Judy who let out the long drawn out sigh. Thank God for small steps and a your everyday teenage crisis.

FIN

A/N: This was suppose to end a lot differently, but then the later half of Twisted 1b happened. I thought I was just going to toss this one, but out of the 6 or so bits of stories I have on my comp, this one I was really fond of. it's in need of another read threw, but nahhh lol

A/N: Judy Judy Judy. This wasn't suppose to be about Judy and Samuel at all, but once again, TWISTED 1B!

When looking at the way Ive written Judy, I want you to remember she's a plus 40 woman who just found out the man she's been with for over half her life was hiding a life altering secret from her. She might come off selfish and vain, but no one's perfect. Were humans and I think her coming to terms with both her divorce and Samuel's sexuality would be a very interesting focus.


End file.
